New Habit = Old Habit

I do my old habit, again! It deserves for miserable consequences. My skin gets darker and on several parts of my body get blemish that cannot disappear for years (as the relic on my body still exist though the last time I did it was a year ago). My reddish Indian skin - I know nobody believe this statement, hahahaha…. - disappears, turn into scaly dark skin. Moreover, my friends have called me Sudanese (you must know Sudan!) and what happens on my skin affirms what they’ve said. It means I must prepare myself because they will say it more freely and unhesitant *sigh*
Guess, what my habit is?
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Yup, I swim. I do it every week on Tuesday or Wednesday after lunchtime. Weird, huh? Yeah, I know it. But, it is the time I like most because not so crowded.

Ghibah...

I ask to those who love gossiping (ghibah) other. Why?
Mostly, I don’t see points on talk someone’s quality. People do that just for fulfilling self satisfaction even worse: laugh at someone who becomes object of gossiping.
For me, talk about some can be accepted for reflection or learn about life or protection. Moreover, we must choose person whom we ask to talk as the purpose of talking is for goodness. He or she must be fair and wise on his or her opinion. Still, it is difficult to stand on that condition. More often than not, people are slipped on rough way. So, better avoid it.

[I am still sad for my friends who mocked on their friends and lecturers (why?). I don’t know them who were talked about as I from different major. Miserable….]

Get into the room means risk??

Yesterday was irritating because I had to climb my neighbor’s roof for getting in my room. Let me tell the story.

After I had dinner, I went to campus for updating my blog. Unfortunately the internet connection was being unconnected. Then I looked up to code on panel method analysis but I felt bored immediately. Before going back to my board, I watched a documentary movie titled ‘The Blue Planet.’ It’s such an interesting movie. I walked slowly to hear the whisper of dark night. It was beautiful though the sky was so pale without stars. Sound of leaves fell down and insects with their song completed the exquisiteness of that night.

My feeling changed severely as I’d just arrived at front of my board. I found the gate was locked. It was unusual. I tried to open it, but it didn’t work at all. So, I thought several possibilities to save my night of waiting dawn arise perplexedly front the gate.

1. Doing a phone call to my board. I didn’t think it was a good idea as it was almost 1.30 am. Moreover my mates are usually too lazy to pick up the phone. Phone at our board usually ring for kiosk need that owned by the owner of our board. So, I decided not to do it.
2. Going back to campus. It was neither good choice as the first idea. It was ridiculous went back to campus just for doing some sleep. So, naturally I avoided doing it.
3. Doing phone call to a friend and spend the night at his place. Ah, I did not want to disturb someone else’s rest.
4. Going to the mosque and sleeping there. No, no, no. Mosque for me just for doing prayer.
5. Climbing the gate. Still it was not good choice. The top side of gate set in by spike wire. “Don’t do something clumsy,” my heart whispered.
   

I became furious because there’s nothing that I could do. I spoke to myself, “who on earth locked the gate?” Suddenly I saw the wall next to kiosk. I thought I can climb it to get the roof and leap to the 2nd floor corridor of my board but I found that it to high. I almost gave up as I saw the wall gate of my board neighbor’s short enough to be climbed. The problem was: I had to cross over my neighbor’s roof. Man, it was so risky. How if someone saw me? I thought and thought, then decided not to do it. That’s enough. I walked away to internet kiosk. I thought to spend the rest of night at there, back to my first aim to update blog.

Actually, I just could stay there less than one hour and half. “Furious, everything gets expensive,” I spoke within my heart. I spent five thousand rupiah for such a little time. Almost 4 am., I wondered what should I do. Then, I thought to take all the risk of doing my ridiculous idea: climbing the wall and the roof of my neighbor to get in my room. I desperately needed to read. Reading until dawn is my routine (it is just interrupted by the time of sholat subuh). So, I went back to my board.

Hope nobody saw me, I climbed the wall carefully. Honestly, I afraid if there someone saw me and screamed that there was a thief on the roof. I climbed the higher wall before getting to the roof. Unfortunately, there were spike wire and branches of bougainvillea. Though, I kept moving carefully until I could reach the top. Walking on the roof was not easy because it had sharp gradient. My body was compelled to crawl so I could balance my body along my journey (Journey? Ridiculous, isn’t it? But I like to use it). Then I got the end of my neighbor’s roof. I had to walk through kiosk roof before getting the corridor. It was easier because the gradient’s not too significant. Finally, I could get the corridor barrier. A simple leap brought me to the 2nd floor of my board. Thank God, I could enter my room and read as usual.

I hope I’ve never found similar situation.

Noiseless Time

One upon time, my friend surprised me. She said, “Bro, I have a tendency for being an atheist. I don’t know how to describe it. I just feel empty. How do you think?”
And I just gave a noiseless face. Speechless.

Another time. A man said something even more surprising.
“Ham, tell me about great sin!”
“Hmm, there are several things that categorized as great sins. Syirik is the greatest one.” I wondered why he asked me talking about this topic. It was unusual.
“How about suicide? I think I am doing it right now. It’s hopeless.”
And I just gave a noiseless face. Just quite.

Both of those were my experience. I don’t know why I got speechless of that kind of situation. Not just once or twice, but more. Different problem. Different person. I’ve hardly been able to talk about philosophy of life nor religion view nor norms. I’ve hardly thought to give solution because I’d have never prepared to face that kind of situation. I just cannot. And almost of time, I just quite.

Why? I don’t know. I just believe that they would find the answer of their question. It is not me to find someone else’s solution.
After all, maybe I just can give one sentence to all who come and share their problem: just follow your heart.
And deep in my heart, I pray for us to find the right path.

Not a fairy tale: My friend's story

This is my conversation with my friend, Edi Johan, last year when I went home to Lombok on Idul Fitri holiday. He was my mate at elementary school.

Edi Johan (EJ): “I have never sat and talk comfort, just like we’re doing now.”

Muhammad Ilham (MI): “Do you mean?”

EJ: “Yup, people talk to me unwillingly. They think I am….”

MI: “What are they thinking about you?”

EJ: “I have experienced things that barely happen to other.”

MI: “I don’t understand.”

EJ: “I’ve been a prisoner.”

MI: “Really?”

EJ: “Yes.”

MI: “For what reason?”

EJ: “Drugs. I am disregarded by my environment for what I did in the past. I am disregarded even by my relatives.”

MI: “Let me hear your story!”

EJ: “Graduated from senior high school, I was confused of my future. What should I do? I did not continue my study to university. Ii was as if my brain within burnt. However, I had dignity for not to ask money anymore to my parents. I wanted to get job. With my conditions at that time, I thought what I could do. I took the shortcut. I started to be acquainted with drugs.”

MI: “Did you a user?”

EJ: “Yes. Neither had I wanted but my evil-stuff. I’d barely eaten. You know, every time adzan echoed, I pretended to take blushing water and just went to my chamber but I did nothing. I did not do sholat, just laid down on mattress. I deceived my family.”

MI: “The last time we met you frequently went to the mosque, didn’t you? I hardly understand.”

EJ: “Yes I did, before I knew that kind of stuff.”

MI: “Okay. Please continue your story!”

EJ: “January, 2005 I was arrested at home. Imagine how this village stirred by that case. They all came to my house just for looking me brought along by the officer. I spent most of year 2005 in jail. I was disappointed because my friend in this village had never visited me, even for once. They, our friends here, I hoped they would visit me badly. I just wanted to know that they still supported me as well.”

MI: “Insya Allah, there would be hikmah (philosophies) on this experience.”

EJ: “Yup, you are so right. I met someone who really loved me. She has never looked to my past. She is my wife.”

MI: “Ho, how come?”

EJ: “First time I met her, she came by to visit her best male friend at LP. Her friend was sentenced for different case: car-hit. She often came. On fasting month, she even visited everyday bringing meal for our break.

MI: “Was she a college student?”

EJ: “Yes, nursery. Ridiculous, isn’t it? A man marry woman with higher education.”

MI: “Not really.”

EJ: “I freed on December 2005. Actually, I was sentenced for one and a half years. I got a month remission on Independence Day that year and 15 days when Idul Fitri celebration. Moreover good attitude helped me to free faster. I also took CBS program. Three months off the jail, I married that girl. She is pregnant right now, our first child. However she lives with her parents right now.”

MI: “Why?”

EJ: “I feel ashamed. I don’t have a job while she has. She is working as a nurse in her birthplace, in Lombok Timur. Yesterday, I went her and found she has television and VCD player in her room. She gets those from her hard work. She said, ‘I bought these to remind you for finding job.’ I just smiled in bitterness. I knew she said it not to underestimate me. She spoke like that precisely showed her love.”

MI: “She is really great. You should be grateful to God.”

EJ: “Yes, certainly. I dream of opening my own business and caring my family. However, my movement barred by the way others see me. No one believes me, even my relatives. I broke in every time I tried.”

MI: “Then?”

EJ: “I don’t know. The past still haunt and trapped me.”

MI: “Hey, you should be thankful of what you experience you had. As you said, you’ve got amazing woman as your wife. You also said to me that no one experienced as you had. Look how Allah gives His wide attention so you were given bitterness like that. He knows that you would pass it. Look, you are now sitting and talking with me here. You still live until now, just a brief proof that you were passed from His test. Should you be trapped by the past?”

EJ: “Hmm..., you are right. I must be strong. I should not stand on someone else’s customary.”

MI: “Then?”

EJ: “I am thinking to open rice stall. But I have no money to invest at this. It makes me confused.”

MI: “Hmm…, great idea. I think you can try asking your relatives to lend your some money. Or you can accompany Febri first to set travelling program at Gili’s. Or help Dodi at his computer course.”

EJ: “I am not interested at that. Moreover I have little knowledge about things you said.”

MI: “Don’t underestimate yourself. Just try, no pain no gain. You work to collect your capital.”

EJ: “Actually, there’s someone offers me job to help him on flower business. He is from Jakarta. We met before Romadhon. But I am afraid.”

MI: “Why?”

EJ: “I don’t know. But I am interested, for sure. I love flowers. In jail I helped to look after the garden there. I liked it.”

MI: “So, there’s no excuse to leave this opportunity. Contact him, as soon as possible!”

EJ: “He is going home to Jakarta. He is going back here on next Monday, insyaAllah. But, I have planned to climb Rinjani this Sunday. It will take a week, at least.”

MI: “Cancel it! Better you don’t go for meeting him on Monday. I ask it as your friend.”

EJ: “Okay, I will do what you ask. Thank you.”

MI: “You’re welcome. Since I am your friend, I’ll keep support you. I trust you.”

[And we smiled]

Would it be the same?

Sometimes I think to borrow someone’s brain and insert it into my head. What for? I just want to compare things that I see, hold, taste, etc. Would those be the same? It is said that the brain receive signals through nerves arriving from the sensors. These signals are then processed throughout the central nervous system; reactions are formulated based upon reflex and learned experiences. I am curious, is it the signals I have receive would be same with other people have?

When we see blood, we've just already known it is red. However, have you thought that we say the blood is red because the others say the same? Might human brains have received different information, but because all give the same definition so just it become. I wonder what is going on if I use someone else’s brain.

If I use another brain within my head, would I taste sweet of sugar as I taste right now using my own? Would I feel another sensation when I touch something smooth or rough? Might it be I see the sky is yellow, since someone just identifies yellow is blue or on the other way I have been wrong (I don’t think that the word “wrong” is proper to describe my point but I didn’t find better word to explain it ) for the whole time unconsciously? Would be each people see, taste and feel different for something but it is defined as the same thing?

Finally, it is just curious….


Thanks to Edwards for the smileys (sorry, I didn't say before...)

My Personality??

Your Personality is the Rarest (INFJ)

Your personality type is introspective, principled, self critical, and sensitive. Only about 2% of all people have your personality - including 3% of all women and around 1% of all men. You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Hmmm, the rarest one... I've expected it *sigh*

Today's Inspiration (0707)

LIFE from Raymond Charles Barker

Your life becomes the thing you have decided it shall be. About Raymond Charles Barker Raymond Charles Barker was an influential American minister and author in the mid-twentieth century. He wrote such books as The Power of Decision and Treat Yourself to Life, on ways to change subconscious patterns. He became president of the International New Thought Alliance in 1943, a group practicing the religious philosophy developed in the late 1800's by Phineas Quimby, with early proponents including Ralph Waldo Emerson. Unity Church and Divine Science are among its later offshoots.

Supper Converse

Yesterday morning, 2.30 am, my friend and I went out to have supper. Since several weeks ago, have meal before dawn becomes my habit. This is an excess of waking up most at night. After finishing our meal, my friend looked surprised and said, “It’s marvelous you finished your meal completely. No grain of rice left.”

Actually, he was not the first person who says like that. I smiled and said, “This is what I had from my granny. My mom told me stories about her, including this one. My mom said that my granny said that every single grain of rice (cultivate) you eat is about grant from God and also hard work. So, never let it wasted by leaving it on your plate. Better eat a bit. I think she had a point and I accept it for mine.”

My friend said he agreed with me even though it is hardly to be applied for this time being. I just smiled and hoped he would someday.

Homesick

What I’d seen was not starry Shubuh. Just several stars and half moon hang on the dark sky. Thin altocumulus moved slowly. Silent and calm environment towards dawn brought me to feel I was coming home. I walked by little steps to the mosque just for keeping that feeling longer. I was homesick this morning.

Thesis: the problems

Then…, I realized what I involve with is something out ordinary. This is about my thesis.

When this topic was given to me, I thought it might be easy. It just about geometry optimization and I would have done it soon. In fact, this is not quite easy as I thought. I face a very complex task. I must define aerodynamic characteristic by ground effect influence. The problem is the phenomenon of ground effect is barely explained by any theories nor even empirical formulae. For this time being the phenomenon just depicts the tendency of aerodynamic characteristic alteration. That is one problem.

Another problem is about optimization itself. I decided to use genetic algorithms for my task since I play in stochastic or random data. Genetic algorithms are a search technique used in computing to find exact or approximate solutions to optimization and search problems. Genetic algorithms are categorized as global search heuristics. Genetic algorithms are a particular class of evolutionary algorithms (also known as evolutionary computation) that use techniques inspired by evolutionary biology such as inheritance, mutation, selection, and crossover (also called recombination). [http://en.wikipedia.org/]

So, what I should do? Keep working on it, obviously. One thing I grateful for this, I can enrich myself with the universe of knowledge. Something hardly resistible, is it?

Maag (What is it written in English?)

Two glass of coffee I drank hours ago drive chloride acid flaming buttress within my stomach. Barely do things right now.

Another excuse… hehehe…

Simplex Veri Sigillum, Just Away

Simplex veri sigillum: simplicity is the mark of wisdom. Unfortunately, it was forgotten by the stream of period. Those words are deemed as a rotten proverb.

Things you heard now should be copious words that entrap you into turbulence of misunderstanding. Further you can blow up somebody else by your words into confuse then you are conferred as an intelligent. Don’t know why?

Touched story of my mate [Part II]

His story continued, “My father, he enrolled at junior high school for labor. He worked at the day as cement beater, and the afternoon he studied at school.”

“Hmm, you remind me about my parents. They also had amazing struggling of life.”

“Story of my father’s studying stopped. He’d never tasted the academic environment of university. Thank God, he got job in Telkom. That changed our life. But there’s a story before he got the job. My father’s older brother ordered him to follow the test for Telkom job opportunity. My father said okay, but strangely he was sick at the day of the test. He decided not to go. His brother said, ’You must go.’ My father answered, ’But, I’m feeling not so good.’ His brother kept asking him to go and even borrowed motorcycle from neighbor. Then my father went to the test at field. Sun shined so cruel forced him to lose his concentration but he tried as best he could. Amazingly, he passed.”

I was stunning of his story and started thinking of my path. Actually, I feel afraid sometimes because I think I do not struggle enough to face mine: too simple and does not adventure me enough.

He talked again, “My father’s story pulls my faith out to do my best, but, unfortunately, it is also easy disappear. Easy come, easy go. My mother told me, ‘When you were born, your father prepared the best thing for you: meal, stuff, cloth.’ Then, it made me really want do something to them both. I wanted to earn money and buy something to them. Want to open business.”

“So what kinds of business do you prepare?”

“My friends and I….”

…

[I ended the story here because the point of my mate was depicts completely. At the end his story I said, “Please, tell your father I acknowledge him for what he did. It is inspiring me a lot.” That night I learnt things. Mate, thank you for the story.]

Cita-cita Anak Negeri (Youngster's Dreams)

For this post, I am going to write in Bahasa Indonesia. This is a post that very deeply illustrates my sadness and I think I can get the sense by writing it in my language.

Apa yang terbetik dalam benak ketika seorang anak kecil ditanya dengan pertanyaan tentang cita-citanya. Mungkin kita akan berpikir bahwa betapa antusiasnya atau mungkin dengan malu-malu menjawab menjadi dokter, insinyur, dan sebagainya. Boleh percaya boleh tidak, itu jawaban-jawaban yang keluar dari anak-anak sepuluh atau duapuluh tahun yang lalu dan mungkin terlontar dari bibir anda. Saat ini mungkin kita akan mendapatkan jawaban yang berbeda. Bukan sekedar berbeda tetapi benar-benar berbeda.

Suatu ketika saya membaca bahwa anak-anak sekarang lebih tertarik menjadi artis, entah itu sebagai penyanyi atau bintang sinetron. Ketika mendengar hal itu terus terang saya merasa kecewa dan entah mengapa sakit hati. Apakah sedemikian terpaparnya bangsa ini dengan gaya hidup dan informasi yang sampai saat ini, menurut saya, lebih banyak kejelekannya daripada kebaikannya. Ketika ditanya alas an ingin menjadi artis, mungkin dengan lugas menjawab anak-anak itu menjawaab, “biar bisa dapat uang banyak terus bisa beli macam-macam.” Atau mungkin, “biar bisa terkenal.” Sungguh jawaban-jawaban mengecewakan. Sangat jarang terdengar, “aku mau jadi dokter karena bisa membantu menyembuhkan orang sakit.” Atau, “aku mau bangun gedung bertingkat paling keren supaya ayah, ibu, kakak, adik dan teman-teman bisa tinggal di situ.” Rindu mendengar jawaban-jawaban polos namun mendalam semacam itu.

Tetapi yang hendak saya sampaikan dalam tulisan ini bukan soal cita-cita anak-anak yang demikian terpapar arus informasi. Saya hendak bercerita profil anak-anak bangsa yang sama menyedihkannya. Kepolosan mereka pun ternoda oleh lingkungan mereka. Mungkin terlihat berbeda dengan kisah anak-anak yang saya sampaikan di atas namun hakikatnya adalah sama.

Di bilangan Jakarta Utara...
“Kalau sudah besar kamu mau jadi apa?” Pertanyaan tersebut terlontar pada seorang bocah kecil. Terus terang aku tidak pernah mempersiapkan diri untuk suatu jawaban yang terkamit dari bibirnya.
“Preman.”
”Kok mau jadi preman?” Pertanyaan ini penting. Latar belakang semua ini mungkin akan terjawab dengan pertanyaan yang satu ini.
“Bapak preman. Dari situ dia dapat uang.”
Dan perasaan beku menjalar…

Di daerah pinggiran Bandung...
“Dik, kamu mau jadi apa kalau sudah gede?” Ini adalah pertanyaan buat seorang gadis kecil yang tampak demikian bersahaja.
“Pelacur,” jawabnya polos. Ini benar-benar aneh dan di luar kebiasaan. Bagaimana seorang anak yang demikian lugu punya pemikiran seperti itu.
“Kenapa?”
“Ibu juga seperti itu. Makanya dia bisa menyekolahkan saya,” pungkasnya.

Dua cerita itu dituturkan seorang sahabat yang sedang mengumpulkan data untuk kegiatan community service-nya. Ketika mendengar cerita itu saya cuma bisa diam dan merasa tidak lagi menjejak di orbit bumi. Ini benar-benar keterlaluan. Dan saat ini pula, perasaan itu masih buncah dalam dada. Bangsa ini bercita-cita menjadi sesuatu yang tidak bermoral. Ah… sedih sekali menuliskan kalimat sebelum kalimat ini. Tetapi bukankah ini yang mungkin terjadi, masa depan bangsa ini ada di tangan mereka.

Anak-anak telah ternoda kemurniannya. Profesi-profesi yang mereka pilih karena berorientasi materi. Dan ironisnya anak-anak di semua lapisan sosial menunjukkan kecenderungan serupa. Mungkin inilah yang terjadi ketika sistem memaksa kita untuk bergantung pada yang namanya materi, atau lebih khusus lagi uang. Pendidikan, kesehatan, hiburan, atau apapun butuh uang. Apa yang saya sampaikan bukan berarti menafikan pentingnya uang, namun yang terjadi sekarang adalah hampir segala hal diukur dengannya. Mungkin orang tua-orang tua di Indonesia lebih banyak yang berkata, "Nak, kalau sudah besar carilah banyak uang agar hidup kamu terjamin." Semakin sayup terdengar doa orang tua, "Jadilah kamu anak yang shalih, jujur, dan berguna buat sesama dan negeri ini."

Pertanyaan selanjutnya akan lebih berat. Siapa yang bertanggungjawab atas hal ini? Yang saya maksudkan bertanggungjawab bukanlah mencari siapa yang salah, melainkan siapa yang mampu berbuat sesuatu mengentaskan kenistaan masa depan bangsa ini. Pertanyaan sulit, bukan? Mungkin tidak akan ada yang mau mengambil peran di sini. Tidak menguntungkan, itu mungkin alasan yang akan keluar.

Saya kini berpikir dan masih terus berpikir, “Apa yang bisa saya lakukan?” Saya merasa sangat berdosa ketika tidak mampu bertindak. Apa? Apa? Bagaimana? Bagaimana? Pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu masih belum terjawab sampai sekarang. Ah betapa memalukan…. Akan tetapi satu hal yang saya berjanji dengan sepenuh hati, anak-anak saya nanti akan saya didik sebaik mungkin sehingga ketika dia ditanya tentang cita-citanya yang tertutur adalah sesuatu yang mulia dan membanggakan buat rakyat negeri ini, bahkan buat semesta.

*Picture captured from http://www.idp-europe.org/indonesia/